Here is another poem I wrote. It’s somewhat similar though also somewhat different than my first poem A Foreign Autistic World. This time I tell of an experience in my life that certainly has been impacted by my autism, but is an experience that a lot of people, autistic and neurotypical, can relate to.
Even though I’ve always been single, I’ve wanted a girlfriend for several years now. I view romantic relationships as being the most challenging and the most difficult relationships to establish with someone else. You aren’t asking someone else to be friends, you’re asking more than that. And for me being autistic and having difficulty establishing any kind of friendship with someone else, I view it, as the title says, as the ultimate test.
The Ultimate Test
Here is a problem a lot of us face
even though it may be easier for the rest
like any ability only some possess.
But for some of us it is the ultimate test.
I can hardly concentrate on anything else
whether it be school, work, or an activity.
All of my senses just zoom in on her
whenever she is in the vicinity.
I am eager, I am impatient.
I just want to be with her right now.
Most of the time she is inaccessible
and when I do see her I can just go wow.
When I do get a chance to talk to her
a great deal of courage is required.
And the more I don’t know her, the harder it is.
Often she slips by me not inquired.
I don’t want her for the obvious reasons
for lust and sexual yearning.
Just for someone to get emotionally close to.
Only this will build a bond of greatest burning.
I contemplate the possible reasons
why she might reject me and say no.
Maybe she’s already with someone else
or her interest in me is just too low.
And whenever she does reject me
disappointment overwhelms me and I moan.
It helps to pause and take a break from everything
and to remind myself it’s her loss not my own.
It is like a trial and error process
where each time you get a little better at it.
And you get that much closer to the right one
the one who is perfect for you and will fit.